*In a stunning display of benevolent guidance from the throne of common sense, our nation’s foremost philosopher-king of the obvious, funnyman and social critic/commentator, Shuler King, has graced the unwashed masses with his latest edict. The subject? An anonymous corporate serf—whose name and function are blessedly beneath notice—who had the gall to report for her daily grind sporting a hairstyle.
Yes, you read that correctly. A hairstyle.
According to sources fluent in King-ese, the woman was sent home, her corporate overlords uttering the timeless phrase: “We do not want to see you looking like that.” A warning was issued. Should she repeat this act of follicular rebellion, the guillotine—metaphorically speaking, of course, this is about her paycheck—awaits.
King, in his infinite wisdom bestowed from the high castle of Reasonable Takes, has broken down this complex socio-economic dilemma with the nuance of a sledgehammer.
First: The Employer is Right. Obviously.
Unless you are employed as a beach ball at an Arizona Cardinals tailgate or a potted plant in a Silicon Valley “wellness pod,” your hair must not distract, detract, or dare to exist as a form of personal expression. The memo from HR, the unspoken dress code, the vague aura of disapproval—these are the sacred texts of the modern workplace. To question them is to question gravity itself. The woman’s crime was not a bad hairstyle, per se, but the sheer audacity to think her head was her domain during billable hours.
Scroll to continue reading
Second: The Paycheck is All.
King, a man surely familiar with the struggle of choosing between rent and artistic expression, cut to the heart of the matter: “Do not risk losing your paycheck.” Who cares if the ‘do cost $500? Who cares if it made her feel like a majestic sunflower? The calculus is simple: Hair = Potential Job Loss = Hungry Dependents. Are your children’s mouths worth your bangs? No. No, they are not. This is not a conversation. This is a financial spreadsheet.
Third: Do Not Engage.
The woman is advised to swallow any retort, any question beginning with “But why—”, any burgeoning sense of injustice. To engage in “back-and-forth” is to step onto a battlefield where the only weapon you hold is your soon-to-be-terminated employment contract. Nod silently, return home, and unravel the offensive style. Contemplate your sins against corporate aesthetics.
But Wait! The Plot Thickens!
In a thrilling twist worthy of a courtroom drama, King has not only tried and sentenced the woman but has also identified a co-conspirator: the “Butician.”
This rogue stylist, operating from what we can only assume is a shadowy salon of chaos, is the true architect of this economic near-disaster. They must be found. They must be reprimanded. Perhaps even forced to watch a 10-hour loop of corporate onboarding videos until they understand the severe, profit-margin-endangering consequences of an ill-advised twist-out.
In conclusion, let us all be grateful for Shuler King’s brave stand. In a world teetering on the brink of anarchy—where employees might wear whatever hair they like—we need a strong, uncompromising voice to remind us of the natural order: The boss’ preference is king (so to speak), your autonomy is a frivolity, and your “butician” is a menace to stable society.
Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to go check our employee handbook to see if “sarcasm” is an approved tone for submitting reports. We may have already said too much.
(If You Like/Appreciate This EURweb Story, Please SHARE it!)
MORE NEWS ON EURWEB.COM: God’s Gift or the Surgeon’s Invoice? The ‘net is Fighting Over What Summer Walker’s ‘Workin’ With’ | LOOK
We Publish Breaking News 24/7. Don’t Miss Out! Sign up for our Free daily newsletter HERE.
