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*I dated a Jehovah’s Witness for eight months. We developed a pattern – I’d seduce her, we’d have sex, and when it was over, she’d scold me for being a poor influence.
Can you believe that shit?
She would give “me” a lecture only minutes after licking her own titties in my face. In fact, I remember pouring syrup on them thangs and going to work on em’. But I digress.
Anyway, when these discussions occurred, I would always apologize for leading her down the wrong path. We would pray (well, she prayed, I listened) and then we’d promise each other to abstain from sex. A week later we’d be humping like rabbits again – it was foolish.
The girl before her was a Christian. We fooled around in the backseat of my dad’s green 1996 Maxima – which he gave me one summer to ease my memories of him abandoning me as a child.
We were parked in front of a Rally’s – a fucking burger joint – and with her legs wrapped around my waist, she suddenly began to weep. My ego immediately swelled until I realized she was actually crying. Like, for real.
“I’ve disappointed my father,” she whispered somberly.
“Yo daddy ain’t here,” I responded.
“No, I mean God!”
“Well tell him to chill until I’m done.”
“No I can’t, please take me home.”
So I dropped her off … on the corner of Manchester and Crenshaw.
I assume she called an Uber or caught the bus home.
My reason for sharing these experiences is simple: it’s to prove that I know a thing or two about religious women. Doesn’t matter what God they serve or where they go to worship. Their behavior is generally the same. But if I’m being honest, Christians and Jehovah’s Witnesses are the absolute WORST.
Wanna know something else?
There’s a massive difference between a woman that’s “spiritual” versus a woman who’s religious.
Let me explain.
A spiritual woman is usually mindful of her physical and emotional health. She eats well, keeps her body in shape, and she’s not overbearing with her ideas and beliefs. She’s dedicated to growing and evolving as a person, and she encourages her partner, friends and loved ones to grow. She’s often very self-aware, able and willing to communicate her thoughts and feelings peacefully and effectively, and most important, she understands that religion entraps weak and narrow-minded people.
That’s right – go fuck yourself if you don’t agree.
On the other hand, a religious woman goes out of her way to prove that she’s morally superior. She’s typically very stubborn and rigid in her way of thinking. Women who fit this category suffer from being exposed early in their childhood to the dogmas of religions like Christianity and Catholicism. Or, if they weren’t introduced to religion as children, they often seek refuge in the church after they’ve spent years being reckless THOTS.
A “fake” religious woman is hypocritical – she preaches the gospel, she promotes her beliefs on social media and during social events, but her private actions violate core biblical principles and rules.
She teaches abstinence, but she’s probably fucking multiple niggas. She preaches “moderation,” but she lacks control over her appetite and her wallet. She’s overweight, broke, and probably drives a Toyota.
These women may seem wonderful on paper, and they’re great performers, but if you’re a man who values positive energy, your time, and your sanity, then stay away from them at all costs.
Here are 5 more reasons religious women should only be pumped and dumped:
1) They’re pretentious. Going to church for many women in this category is their way of exonerating themselves from the fuckery they entertain throughout the week. Others like calling themselves religious because it feels good. They’re not really about that life. They don’t read scripture or go to fellowship with other religious people. For them, it’s like buying a gym membership and never going.
2) They’re hypocrites. Pointing a finger at others is their specialty. Pointing it at themselves is often their weakness. Those with the ability to recognize their flaws usually go to their pastor or Big Mamma for counseling. That means if you’re in a relationship with her, Pastor Jenkins might have knowledge of your and her issues at home. He may also be effing her while you’re at work. Just sayin.
3) If you’re dating a “religious” chick, and you like her, then at some point, you’ll be assigned to guard the front or back door at her church, lead a choir song, help old women to their seat in the sanctuary, or you’ll be asked to read a scripture at the start of service. If she attends a mega church, then at the very least, you’re opening that wallet when the collection plate hits your lap.
4) Their sex game is usually phenomenal. So even if you wanna leave her self righteous ass, the intimacy will lure you back in, and keep you stuck. Guaranteed.
5) They often lack emotional and psychological stability. Many of these women were raised in homes where religion was simply a band-aid for deep familial dysfunction. Others rely on the emotional high they experience in church to distract them from the immense suffering their feeling internally. It’s a lot of baggage to unpack for even the nicest guy.
Southern California based Cory A. Haywood is a freelance writer and expert on Negro foolishness. Contact him via: [email protected] and/or send him a message on Twitter: @coryahaywood. His controversial book, “Coon Flakes: Musings of an Uppity Negro,” is available for purchase on Amazon ($4.49), barnesandnoble.com, and books.apple.com.
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