My homeless fiance is mad at me because I said he can’t live with me!
QUESTION
WOW…What should I do?
I’m sixty two and in a relationship with a fellow believer. He is in the import/export business to China. He spent a lot of time in China. He came back from China when people were given the option to leave China before the borders closed. He asked me to marry him and I said, “yes!” We have been working side by side in serving the Lord since college forty years ago! We are both in leadership positions at the church. Due to the Coronavirus his company shut-down. He once lived in a house but decided to scale down and moved into an apartment. He just told me that he will be losing his apartment. He asked if he could come to live with me since apartments are not renting at this time. He approached the Pastor and members of the church for a place to live. No one has stepped up to say he could live there. I told him he could not live with me because the word says to avoid appearances of evil. I further explained that this may hurt our witnessing if people knew he was living with me. I further explained that the word says He will never leave you nor forsake you and He has never seen the righteous begging for bread. He told me that now he gets to see how I truly am. He feels that if he were lying on the side of the road I wouldn’t help. He wants to call off the wedding! What should I do?
Answer
Attention “Should I Open the Door?”,
First, I sure appreciate your struggle! It sounds like the two of you have been through a lot together. You’ve certainly been connected for a long time, “working side by side in serving the Lord for forty years”! It sounds like you both very much matter to each other, and have a lot “invested” in this relationship. I can also sure appreciate your caring about this man and struggling with his circumstances, being without a job or a place to stay. I can just imagine your wrestling with the love and compassion that you have for him, combined with your beliefs and convictions that lead you to decline his request (at least to this point) to stay at your place. And it’s my guess that your answer is not fully settled within you, or you probably wouldn’t be reaching out to pose this question. It seems to me that one of the most important principles for you to follow is your commitment to your core beliefs, principles, values, and as a Christ-follower, your understanding of Scripture. I applaud your commitment to practice the words of the Lord and “be holy as I am holy” (Lev, 11:44-45, Lev. 19:2, Lev. 20:7, Lev. 20:26, I Pet. 1:16). This requires that we make some difficult decisions. Setting important boundaries. You have set your boundaries for your life, your relationships, and specifically for this relationship. My guess is that it’s served you well through the years. These boundaries help you to avoid “going places” of moral compromise during weaker moments. The Apostle Paul said about himself, “We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” (Rom. 7:14-15). Paul goes on to describe his desire to please God, but acknowledges his struggle with his sinful nature. Obviously, that’s a struggle that we all navigate in this fallen and challenging world. I would suggest that in any healthy relationship, each person must honor and respect the other, along with the choices and boundaries that are in place. Although obviously difficult here, it’s important that the man in your life appreciates your beliefs and boundaries, even if he doesn’t like them, or are serious challenges for you both in this circumstances. As any of us knows, all relationships have hard challenges, some seemingly have no “good answers”. Sometimes circumstances seem insurmountable. There are occasions when relationship dilemmas may take us to “the edge” of our own sense of right and wrong. Some may even become “deal breakers”. Our relationship differences require appreciation of the other person’s views, even when we don’t like or agree with those views. And all relationships require negotiation and compromise. But these occasions of compromise must not require the other person to violate core values and principles. I want to encourage you to ask yourself, “At the end of this decision and dealing with the consequences, will I respect myself and my decision? Will I have compromised my key, core beliefs? Does this represent me, and how I want to conduct my life?” I can certainly encourage you to practice love, compassion, and if he’s willing to accept your offer, you can help him to explore creative options to find housing and employment. Exploring options on social media, checking online resources, seeking short-term options with some of his family or friends locally or at a distance. Again, negotiations and compromises are part of any relationship. But foregoing and violating core beliefs and convictions are best not to be a part of the compromise. And it’s been my experience that choosing God’s ways during these tough circumstances will ultimately bless each person involved. I hope this helps!
Gary Cochran, MA, LPC-S
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