*I often find myself daydreaming about the smallest things. Like … the tenderness in her voice when she calls to ask if I’ve eaten … the excitement and curiosity that warm my heart when she says she has a surprise for me.
But then … reality sets in. I realize she is a figment of my imagination. I reluctantly admit to myself that I am guarding my heart with a deadbolt lock. I am not ready. I am not ready to emerge from my safe haven of emotional isolation.
Not because I have not healed from the disillusionment of divorce, but because I am striving to become what I once searched for. I must take time to replenish my mind, body, and soul. I cannot do that by mindlessly filling a void without understanding why it exists.
How audacious of me to ask God to send me someone with qualities I don’t even possess myself!I had an epiphany when I once read that “as you awaken, you will come to understand that the journey of love isn’t about finding ‘the one.; The journey of love is about becoming ‘the one.’”
I have become closer to God in all my brokenness. Naked and vulnerable, I have discovered a level of spirituality and self-reflection that I never knew before. I have taken a long, hard look at myself and what I have been ignoring or avoiding about myself and others for a very long time. I had been so busy trying to be the best wife and mother I knew how to be that I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was outside of being someone’s mother and someone’s wife.
I was slowly suffocating as I stifled my hopes and dreams, weighed down by expectations of who everyone else needed and wanted me to be. I dimmed my light so that others could shine. I lost sight of the fact that every obstacle I endured was a lesson in faith.
I smile as I hear pieces of the soundtrack of my life, the lyrics to “I Didn’t Know My Own Strength,” sung by the late icon, Whitney Houston: “Lost touch with my soul, I had nowhere to turn, I had nowhere to go, lost sight of my dream, thought it would be the end of me. I thought I’d never make it through, I had no hope to hold onto, I thought I would break. I didn’t know my own strength.”
God has given me the strength and determination to reinvent myself, in just three short years. As an author who has published two novels in two years, my intellectual property will forever be in the Library of Congress. I am creating a legacy, not only for myself but for my grandchildren.
I will not be moved nor distracted in becoming who God created me to be. I make every decision by asking myself: Will this decision/this behavior be pleasing to God? When I am not feeling well or strong, I try to bless someone else by sharing my blessings. It fills my heart knowing that I have made a difference in someone’s life … even if it is a simple smile.
As a single woman, I have many lonely and sleepless nights. And yet, I am flourishing with a newfound gift of self-discovery. I am learning to fall in love with myself, faults and all. I look forward to enjoying my life as well as having a healthy relationship when I eventually find one. I hope to reflect what I desire to attract in a partner. I want to boldly live my authentic life, where my actions speak louder than my words. I deserve to be adored publicly. I will continue to stand strong and be resilient, leaving behind what no longer serves me. I am courageous enough to walk through any door that God is preparing me for. My faith is far greater than the fear of the unknown.
Monika M. Pickett is an LGBTQ activist and the author of PRETTY BOY BLUE and THE DARKEST SHADE OF BLUE. Please visit her at www.monikampickett.com