*With the new NBA season set to begin on October 16th, it’s just about the right time to hand out some pre-season awards. Yes, we know that awards generally happen at the end of a season, but these are not very serious awards, mind you.
We already know that the Golden State Warriors are going to win the championship and that LeBron James joining the Lakers will be the most-talked-about thing ever in the history of sports (probably), so that’s why we’re going a bit off-the-wall for these pre-season awards. Let’s get things started!
Most Cartoonish Player – Giannis Antetokounmpo: Incredible name aside, Giannis will be the player most likely to make some sort of NBA Jam dunk (like jumping 15ft. in the air while doing a somersault), as we’ve already seen him perform freakishly athletic slams from all around the court. There was even one where his arm seemed to extend just like Michael Jordan at the end of Space Jam.
Best Hair – Jimmy Butler has had a pretty fly afro for quite a while now, but Cleveland Cavaliers rookie Collin Sexton has taken that ‘fro and elevated it to the next level.
Worst Hair – For a long time, this award would have gone to Suns’ guard Elfrid Payton for his ridiculous hair which actually got into his eyes once and messed up his shot. However, since he has cut his hair, we’re giving the award to Briante Weber from the Miami Heat because of this awful ponytail-dreadlock-pineapple thing going on.
Best Facial Hair – For perhaps the 4th year running, James Harden simply has to take this award. When your nickname is literally “The Beard,” then you’re facing little competition. He might be the current owner of the real MVP (Most Valuable Player) award, but we think this one means so much more.
Worst Facial Hair – Milos Teodosic from the L.A. Clippers has an odd beard that looks like it’s been stuck on with glue. Shave that off before the season starts, bud.
Most Fashionable Player – This is almost definitely something that many players would actually care more about than NBA championships. Dwyane Wade, Nick Young, Chris Paul, and Carmelo Anthony are all superbly dressed dudes, but we’re giving this one to Oklahoma City Thunder guard Russell Westbrook. This guy takes chances and nothing is ever off-limits. Suit jackets with no shirt underneath, bright red double denim, a photographer’s vest… the guy just seems to never wear the same thing twice. Glasses without prescription lenses are one of Russ’ favorites, and we’re 99% sure he’s worn every single one of these at some point.
Player Always Mistaken For Someone Else – Markieff Morris: This is to be expected considering that Markieff is the twin brother of Marcus Morris on the hugely successful Boston Celtics. But you’ve got to feel bad for Markieff being on the lowly Washington Wizards and probably being called “Marcus” by passers-by all the time.
Coolest Name – This award is really tough, as there are some fantastic names in the NBA at the moment. The Brooklyn Nets have three guys with awesome names, including Spencer Dinwiddie, Rodions Kurucs, and Shabazz Napier. Other runner-ups include Shake Milton on the Philadelphia 76ers and Jaron Blossomgame on the San Antonio Spurs, but the award simply has to go to Sindarius Thornwell on the L.A. Clippers for sounding like someone from Game of Thrones or The Lord of The Rings.
Most Normal Sounding Name – He’s no Sindarius, but Bruce Brown on the Detroit Pistons has a name you can set your watch to.
Will Appear in a Movie – Definitely Lebron James, as he’s already announced to be starring in an upcoming Space Jam sequel. Filling the sneakers of Michael Jordan will be no easy task, but if anyone can, it’s The King. Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck haven’t been in much for some time, so they’ll be happy for the work.
Will Get in a Fight – Milwaukee Bucks guard Matthew Dellavedova from Australia doesn’t mind a fight from time to time (which is surprising because he wasn’t involved in the epic Australia vs. Philippines fight), but for sure it will be Draymond Green from the Warriors. He just can’t keep his mouth shut.
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