Wednesday, May 18, 2022

(The Black Hat) White People Do Church Better Than Black People

Disclaimer: The views, opinions and positions expressed by the author of the following article and those providing comments are theirs alone, and do not necessarily reflect the views, opinions, positions of EURweb or any employee thereof.

black christians, black christians

*Why are so many young people abandoning the Black church? Well, half of us are too drunk from a full night of debauchery to wake up on a Sunday morning, let alone go to church. The other half of us aren’t particularly interested in spending our entire morning, afternoon and part of the evening, watching a bunch of fake Christians compete with each other to determine who’s the most “sanctified.”

And of course, you do have some young adults who go to church because they’re creatures of habit – they’ve been singing in the choir, teaching a Sunday school class, leading testimony service, or serving on the usher board for as long as they can remember. These individuals belong in a separate, less-enlightened category.

But anyone who possesses a thirst for knowledge and spiritual growth will not waste their time watching the dog and pony show that takes place in most Black churches. It’s really that simple. And apart from the hoopla and rigmarole, I can’t think of a single person in my social circle who could sit and listen to a 77-year-old, Cecily Tyson lookalike ramble on about young people defying scripture and punching a first class ticket to HELL. That shit’s depressing.

RELATED CONTENT: If She’s a Church Girl, Don’t Marry Her–Run!

According to The Front Porch, “Generation Y is less likely to attend religious services compared to earlier generations. They’re more likely to be skeptical of religious institutions and in growing numbers are more likely to adopt irreligious attitudes.”

CNN writer Rachel Evans argues that the problem isn’t Generation Y but the local church. She says millennials want the church to update its substance, not its style. According to Evans, evangelical churches lose millennials because they fail to offer authentic community concerned with more than a good Sunday morning performance.

And therein lies the problem: Black people always get caught up in the flair and pageantry of church without actually making a sincere effort to grow their spirit and relationship with God.

On the other hand, none of this funny business occurs in White churches (other than priests fondling little boy’s booty holes). A nigga can be in and out of a white church in less than two hours —and actually learn something useful in the process. White people do church better than black people (that’s the title of this article). Why? It’s simple – they prioritize teaching the word of God and applying the information they learn to everyday situations.

And then you have the prototypical “nigga church” where the preacher screams, kicks and hollers, and in return, the congregation gives him (or her) all of their dollars. I know about this world more than anyone because I was born and raised in it. My grandfather is a pastor (a crappy one, but a pastor nonetheless). My great-grandfather was a bishop in Texas. And my grandmother is one of the most well respected evangelists in South Los Angeles.

I’ve been doing church my whole life. And in my 29 years of being on this earth, I’ve only once visited a black church and left saying “wow, I really learned something today.” I HAVE walked away from a Black church program wondering when my eardrums would heal, or if the building fund I donated my hard-earned money to would be used to fix the paint chipping off the building instead of going into the pastor’s greedy pockets.

How can White folk complete an entire service in one hour or less, but niggas can’t even get through one song without someone taking off running through the middle aisle of the sanctuary, extending the service another 45 minutes? I’m sure this doesn’t apply to ALL Black churches. For example, I doubt Creflo Dollar (how bout that last name?) or TD Jakes would allow their service to be “niggafied” by a holy-rolling fool’s histrionics. But where I come from, if you ain’t shouting, you aint holy.

RELATED CONTENT: The Black Church Exploits Gays For Their Talents and Condemns Them For Their Lifestyle

Personally, it bothers me to witness the nigga preacher deliver a message about tithing and offering before he motions for his deacon to whip out the collection plate.

It annoys me when old women (often referred to as church mothers) spend 30 fucking minutes telling everyone how much they’re anticipating kicking the bucket so they can spend eternity  with the lord. For starters, ya’ll old asses might wake up in hell. And if you wanna die, just kill yourself. Why wait?

I have to make a conscious effort not to laugh whenever someone starts speaking in tongues (the “holy” language). As it was explained to me, only God and the person speaking can understand this gibberish. And most of time, a “prophet” will spend several minutes uttering indecipherable nonsense only to provide a quick second of translation in English. My mom did this once – it was disturbing.

Oh, yes, how can I forget about the reformed prostitute who underwent a baptism, suddenly caught the spirit and started to roll around on the floor; or the 35 year old “gospel rapper” who gave up on becoming the next Tupac and decided to write lyrics for Christ instead; or the former stripper who traded a life of sliding down poles for a five minute slot every Sunday to showcase her “praise-dancing” skills. Nigga please.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that going to church is a waste of time. However, I refuse to settle for any ol place of worship – a nigga’s got standards.

cory haywood - yall nasty - screenshot
Cory Haywood

The Black Hat is written by  Southern California based  Cory A. Haywood, a freelance writer and expert on Negro foolishness. Contact him via: [email protected] and/or visit his blogs: and





- Advertisement -